The Paths I've Taken

Here is my story.  Chances are you can relate to some parts of it, but probably not all of it--that would be crazy.  I have found that people are not as different from each other as they tend to think that they are.  For instance, I have always had a strong need for relationships.  For the majority of my childhood I had a lot of friendly relationships with my peers; I knew a lot of people and generally had people I could be around, but of course that did not suffice for me.  I was angry, constantly frustrated with myself for not "being good enough," and had trouble with people.  I was jealous of their happiness, their strengths and how they seemed to be "perfect" where I saw myself as a failure.


Eventually I was taken out of that situation--my family moved a few states away and I got to start over.  Quickly I discovered that I had no understanding of how to find common ground with my peers.  It was impossible to befriend others when I was too busy judging them.  The few good friends that I had I burdened with my insecurities.  I had relationships but I still was not fulfilled.  The harder I clung, the more I discovered how weak that foundation was.  My friendships weren't based on common ground, and truthfully nothing really mattered much.


Once again my family moved.  We returned to our previous town, the same school but a different house.  All of the insecurity I'd been feeling over the past couple of years came out strong.  For a full two years I had no friends--nobody I spent any time with in or out of school.


Entering High School I knew very few people.  All of my friends from my earlier years had moved on and I had little hope of meeting anyone.  I was encouraged to go to YoungLife, so I did and found it fun, but I was just there to watch life happen, not participate.  However, I continued going, and slowly met people that I became close to.  We began spending a lot of time together, and I began leaning more and more on them for my needs.


As the years progressed my friends began going their separate ways.  Conflicts would arise pushing us apart, and new interests further broke up the group.  Again I was left wondering, "What about me?"  I had developed a couple deep relationships, and with those people I began thinking, discussing and learning what it truly meant to live.  I discovered what should have been obvious to me long before:  the desires that I had been pouring into are not fulfilling.  I began understanding what faith meant.  Not a faith that there is a God--I already believed that--but faith that the God who created everything we can and cannot comprehend deeply cares for me.


Starting again with this foundation I came to another realization.  It hit me one night that God, who knows everything that will ever happen to me and everything I will ever choose, cannot be disappointed.  He may be saddened by my choices, but never disgusted, never let down.  I did not have to be good enough, nor could I.  I no longer had to compare myself to others, because the one whose love actually meant something just wants me to serve him with everything he has given and will continue to give me.

Knowing this has given me the desire to continue experiencing God's love.  Every time I make the decision to turn from God to pursue something in the world I am disappointed.  At the same time, when I remain in Him, defining myself based on my relationship with God, nothing can phase me.  The world could be falling apart, but I would not have to suffer because God would still be with me, keeping me safe and drawing me closer to him.  This is truth, the story of my life up to now.  I am continuing to grow--there is never an end to what you can learn about an infinite God.  The goal now is to continue to  hunger for truth, remembering where I have been, but most importantly where God is taking me.