The Fall

It’s 10:30, and I will be awake by 5:30 tomorrow morning, yet I cannot sleep.  The past couple months have been strange.  I will never have a summer off again—either work or school will continue, until I retire or fall asleep.  I live more or less on my own, with friends, but still independently.  I make my own decisions about dinner, time spent, money, boundaries...

I am in a new era of life.  It is crazy to think about, but I am an adult.  Not even a teenager anymore.  It does not happen as fast as you are told, I have been taking steps toward this for some time, but looking back I could easily be fooled about the passage of time.

Here’s the deal though:  many things have changed a lot—there is urgency where I once desired to wait in love, fitness, different adventures and family—and sometimes I am overcome with anxiety about my past, present and future, but always I find comfort in my relationship with Christ.

This may be super cliché.  I have known a lot of people who talk big about God, but never seem comfortable with him.  But I have also known people who are unmistakably in love with Jesus.  There is a reality there that we all seek in something—some objectively know the answer but never really come to understand the love of Christ, and many will never come close.  Regardless, there is no denying the need for something constant, faithful, powerful and personal.

I cannot honestly say that I found all that though...  nobody really can.  One does not simply discover truth—it is only revealed.  Our thoughts are too self-centered; even at our best, we only think of what think we need or want, it is impossible to truly separate from ourselves.  Truth must find us.  God reveals himself to those with whom he finds favor.  Not because of virtue we hold, but because of his virtue.

That is what I missed for so long; I thought that I had to be good, or prove myself valuable for God to work in me.  Truth is—all I was doing was denying him access to my life.  I barred Christ and all his goodness from my life even while I sought goodness with which to please him.  Inevitably I failed, exhausted myself by seeking light in the darkness of myself.  There is no goodness within—the sick do not become healed by rejecting the cure.

All it took was my lowest point.  When I could dig no deeper, introspect no further, He found me.  I had given up, and that’s all it took.  I resigned myself to my own wretchedness—I am incapable of being a friend, a servant or a leader.  I have no power, love or joy.  The cup that I had guarded for so long was actually empty.  I accepted help, and instantly he began to recreate me.

I have not gone instantly from empty to full.  There is so little to work with, and God is patient.  He is the potter, who takes pride in his work, and I am the vessel, designed solely to glorify my maker.

Selfishness falls away when you realize that life is really about bringing glory to someone else.  It is not about me and what I can do, but how great the Heavenly Father is and what He has done!

Yet I forget this constantly.  I reject his capable hands and once again try to guide myself through the darkness, abandoning the light.  Of course I fall, walking on unfinished limbs.  I am injured not because of any curse from God, but because I have not allowed God to finish his work in me.  I am not able to help others, or even to keep myself safe.

Eventually I allow Him to take me back, and he brings me back to the light of his workshop where I am safe once again.  Being fixed hurts—as does a bone being set.  The pain is necessary or else I will never be whole, and in reality it is self-inflicted.  So I seek to trust God.

Only he knows what I will be when finished.  Though I deserve to be left broken, empty and dishonored in darkness, I will be something incredible, if only because God is glorious and everything he makes reflects his beauty.  This is the hope I have.

Father, I want to remain with you.  Help me to remember this always, and settle for nothing less than all you have in store for me.  Give me the strength to withstand the pain of healing, and the patience to see your work through to completion.  Father, you are incredible for choosing me, the lowest.  Do your work, Lord, for your sake and your eternal Glory.  In Jesus Christ’s name, Amen.

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Congratulations on making it through this whole narrative.  It’s been about a year since I started this blog thing.  I’ve been fairly lax about writing lately.  If you know me, encourage me to be faithful to Christ and in writing.

Hopefully I don’t ramble in later posts nearly as much.

Thanks!

To Be Sent

Context:  I lead YoungLife at Mason High School.  This is a relationship-based youth ministry that depends on volunteer leaders.  One of the greatest roles of leaders is to spend time in the community living life with students there, what we call “Contact Work”.

I was placed at Mason on January 13, 2012, so I’ve been leading for about 9 months now.  So far I’ve had a lot of awkward moments, some rough transitions, and a few really rewarding experiences.  All of this is expected—I’ve just been waiting for my role to become clear.

So far I know that I need to be present in the community doing contact work and spending time in the word on my own.  Last week was huge for the former—God led me to spend several hours with a couple of awesome guys playing disc golf, and it was fantastic.

Originally my intention was to get up to Mason in time for the dismissal bell and hope to see some guys I know on their way out of school.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t make it up there in time, but I was hoping that I could still spend time in the community or with some friends in Mason.  I was confident that God wanted me there, but had no idea what he was going to do—always a fun time.

It was fairly awkward.  I had no idea what to do, so I just sat in the parking lot and thought about who I could talk to about hanging out.  I also figured my time would be constrained by a YoungLife leadership meeting in a couple hours.  My texts were mostly unanswered; one guy I did get into contact with was more interested in hanging out in a group of friends rather than just meeting up with me, which I expected, but that left me with no real leads.

This took awhile, so I figured I’d have to leave soon, which was a really disappointing thought.  And at the same time I felt really awkward sitting in different parking lots waiting for people to text me back—I was a little afraid people would start noticing me...

I find it difficult to differentiate between voices on the phone, so when I decided to call one of my friends and I started talking with him, he awkwardly handed the phone off to my intended recipient.  Amazingly enough, however, he invited me to meet up with him, so I did.

I ended up driving him home, meeting his parents, taking him to get a haircut and finally playing disc golf with him and a couple of his friends.  At first I was really nervous about the time—by then it was almost time for me to leave for my meeting.  Nine holes of disc golf don’t go by quickly though.

I ended up missing the meeting, but I met a couple great guys who I had the privilege of eating dinner with and getting to talk to.  They invited me to join them in Ultimate practice and seemed excited about coming to YoungLife stuff, even though I didn’t really mention it.

This whole day blew me away.  I felt God wanting me in Mason, but I figured I blew it when I was late.  I just got disappointed trying to text people and felt like I shouldn’t be there the whole time, but it ended up being incredibly encouraging.  I have no idea what was talked about at leadership that day, but I was where God wanted me, and I got to experience a taste of God’s faithfulness that afternoon

When Jesus had called the Twelve together, he gave them power and authority to drive out all demons and to cure diseases, and he sent them out to preach the kingdom of God and to heal the sick.  He told them:  “Take nothing for the journey—no staff, no bag, no bread, no money, no extra tunic.  Whatever house you enter, stay there until you leave that town.  If people do not welcome you, shake the dust off your feet when you leave their town, as a testimony against them.” (Luke 9:1-5)