It’s 10:30, and I will be awake by 5:30 tomorrow morning, yet I cannot sleep. The past couple months have been strange. I will never have a summer off again—either work or school will continue, until I retire or fall asleep. I live more or less on my own, with friends, but still independently. I make my own decisions about dinner, time spent, money, boundaries...
I am in a new era of life. It is crazy to think about, but I am an adult. Not even a teenager anymore. It does not happen as fast as you are told, I have been taking steps toward this for some time, but looking back I could easily be fooled about the passage of time.
Here’s the deal though: many things have changed a lot—there is urgency where I once desired to wait in love, fitness, different adventures and family—and sometimes I am overcome with anxiety about my past, present and future, but always I find comfort in my relationship with Christ.
This may be super cliché. I have known a lot of people who talk big about God, but never seem comfortable with him. But I have also known people who are unmistakably in love with Jesus. There is a reality there that we all seek in something—some objectively know the answer but never really come to understand the love of Christ, and many will never come close. Regardless, there is no denying the need for something constant, faithful, powerful and personal.
I cannot honestly say that I found all that though... nobody really can. One does not simply discover truth—it is only revealed. Our thoughts are too self-centered; even at our best, we only think of what think we need or want, it is impossible to truly separate from ourselves. Truth must find us. God reveals himself to those with whom he finds favor. Not because of virtue we hold, but because of his virtue.
That is what I missed for so long; I thought that I had to be good, or prove myself valuable for God to work in me. Truth is—all I was doing was denying him access to my life. I barred Christ and all his goodness from my life even while I sought goodness with which to please him. Inevitably I failed, exhausted myself by seeking light in the darkness of myself. There is no goodness within—the sick do not become healed by rejecting the cure.
All it took was my lowest point. When I could dig no deeper, introspect no further, He found me. I had given up, and that’s all it took. I resigned myself to my own wretchedness—I am incapable of being a friend, a servant or a leader. I have no power, love or joy. The cup that I had guarded for so long was actually empty. I accepted help, and instantly he began to recreate me.
I have not gone instantly from empty to full. There is so little to work with, and God is patient. He is the potter, who takes pride in his work, and I am the vessel, designed solely to glorify my maker.
Selfishness falls away when you realize that life is really about bringing glory to someone else. It is not about me and what I can do, but how great the Heavenly Father is and what He has done!
Yet I forget this constantly. I reject his capable hands and once again try to guide myself through the darkness, abandoning the light. Of course I fall, walking on unfinished limbs. I am injured not because of any curse from God, but because I have not allowed God to finish his work in me. I am not able to help others, or even to keep myself safe.
Eventually I allow Him to take me back, and he brings me back to the light of his workshop where I am safe once again. Being fixed hurts—as does a bone being set. The pain is necessary or else I will never be whole, and in reality it is self-inflicted. So I seek to trust God.
Only he knows what I will be when finished. Though I deserve to be left broken, empty and dishonored in darkness, I will be something incredible, if only because God is glorious and everything he makes reflects his beauty. This is the hope I have.
Father, I want to remain with you. Help me to remember this always, and settle for nothing less than all you have in store for me. Give me the strength to withstand the pain of healing, and the patience to see your work through to completion. Father, you are incredible for choosing me, the lowest. Do your work, Lord, for your sake and your eternal Glory. In Jesus Christ’s name, Amen.
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Congratulations on making it through this whole narrative. It’s been about a year since I started this blog thing. I’ve been fairly lax about writing lately. If you know me, encourage me to be faithful to Christ and in writing.
Hopefully I don’t ramble in later posts nearly as much.
Thanks!
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